The Hidden Realities of Transactional Love in Africa
Love, they say, is the most powerful force in the universe. Songs are sung about it, wars have been fought for it and lives have been changed by it. But beneath the poetry and passion lies an uncomfortable truth many are reluctant to confront: sometimes, love is not enough.
Nowhere is this more apparent than in the quiet crumbling of relationships built on shaky foundations, especially the kind of love that has become increasingly common across parts of Africa: transactional love.
What Is Love, Really?
Before we dive into the disillusionment, let’s define what love is and what it is not.
Love, in its truest form, is a decision. It is a deliberate, ongoing choice to commit, to care, to sacrifice and to grow with another person. Contrary to popular belief, love is not just butterflies and burning passion. Those feelings fade. They are hormones.
They are fleeting. Real love shows up not just on date nights or in poetic WhatsApp messages, it shows up when your partner is sick and irritable, when they lose their job, when they fail to meet your expectations. Love chooses to stay, to forgive and to build, even when it’s hard.
Yet, the version of “love” widely practiced in many African societies, particularly among the youth, is far from this noble ideal. It is often conditional, deeply transactional and ultimately unsustainable.
The Rise of Transactional Love
In many African countries today, romantic relationships have quietly morphed into economic contracts. It’s no longer about shared dreams, mutual support or emotional intimacy. It’s about what you bring to the table, not emotionally, but materially.
The unspoken truth?
Many people are not in love, they’re in need. And where there is need, there is negotiation.
A young woman dates a man because he can pay her rent, buy her hair or send her money for “data”. A man marries a woman because she cooks well, looks good on his arm and keeps his home like his mother did. The relationship becomes a business exchange, wrapped in the language of affection. As long as the transactions flow, the illusion of love remains.
But what happens when the table turns?
When the Benefits Stop
In transactional love, affection is conditional. And like any contract, when one party stops delivering, the deal falls apart.
Consider the countless relationships that collapsed during the COVID-19 lockdown. When men lost jobs and couldn’t fund the lifestyle they had created for their partners, “love” evaporated. When women aged or could no longer meet the unrealistic beauty standards of their partners, the affection vanished.
This isn’t just about money. It’s about expectation. A love based on what you get will not survive when all you have to give is yourself.
“Love Is Not Enough”: Real or Excuse?
The phrase “love is not enough” is often used to explain the end of a relationship. But we must distinguish between the selfish and the genuine reasons behind this statement.
Selfish Reasons:
- “She doesn’t look as hot as she did when we met.”
- “He’s broke now; I can’t suffer with a man.”
- “She’s no longer submissive.”
- “He no longer pampers me like he used to.”
These are not reasons love isn’t enough. These are signs that there was never real love, only convenience, fantasy or control.
Real Reasons:
- One partner refuses to grow, change or take responsibility.
- There is abuse, emotional, physical or psychological.
- There is consistent betrayal and lack of trust.
- There is a fundamental mismatch in values, goals or commitment levels.
- The relationship was built on feelings, not foundations.
- Partners are not medically compatible.
In these cases, love, no matter how deep, cannot fix what maturity, accountability, health concerns or shared purpose are meant to address.
Reclaiming Real Love
To avoid the trap of transactional relationships, Africans, especially the younger generation, must redefine love. We must:
- De-commercialize affection: Gifts are nice, but they should not be the currency of love.
- Date for purpose, not perks: Who is this person beyond what they can give you?
- Learn emotional intelligence: Can you handle conflict, disappointment, and growth?
- Build capacity together: Can we create a future, not just consume the present?
- Choose commitment over convenience: Love is forged in adversity, not fantasy.
The Decision of Love
Ultimately, love is not a feeling that visits us like an unexpected breeze. It is a daily decision to walk alongside another human being with empathy, patience, and courage. It’s choosing them again and again, even when they are not at their best.
When love is built on this understanding, when both partners are invested not just in what they get but in who they become, then love becomes enough. Not because it fixes all things, but because it gives both people the strength and reason to work through everything else.
Final Thoughts
Africa doesn’t need less romance. It needs more authentic love, the kind that looks beyond wallet size and waistlines. The kind that doesn’t crumble when the money stops or the looks fade. The kind that says, “I choose you, not because of what you give me, but because of who you are, and who we can become together.”
Until then, many will continue to say “love is not enough”, not realizing that what they had was never love in the first place.
